You know the feeling of being sick to your stomach and you think you can't stand any more of that saccharine sweetness and everyone disgusts you and you disgust yourself and you want to do this but you don't want to do this and you don't know what's going on and you feel like you don't belong and you have no idea why you're trying so hard and you're so tired and the ones who matter most don't remember your birthday and you feel so small and so invisible and you feel like an unwanted leech clinging onto the ankles of those who're better and you feel like punching somebody and you really want to give it your best but suddenly your hands are shaking and you fumble and everyone's staring and you feel like crying but you can't and you haven't cried in weeks and you haven't seen her in weeks and nothing's going right and you don't know if you're cut out for this and it sure doesn't seem like it gets better

I really dislike this stagnant state of living because I yearn for the taste of newfound knowledge and even when I've started the term I worry not that I won't be able to catch up but rather I fear that I'll be bored out of my wits because of what I already know. It makes me wonder sometimes if I'm not more suited to thrive on the challenge of a jc life even if it may seem too much at times

I guess I'll just have to see when I get my timetable