I'm so tired, so ashamed of myself, I'm drowning and I can't see anything anymore

This lack of sleep and load of work is running me ragged, but I can't afford to slack now. 34 days to o's, c'mon huixian, just a little more and it'll all be worth it.

Does it please you looking at the notches up your arm, like markings for each day you've survived, does it please you knowing you get the attention and pity and concern you've always wanted?

"Cross the line if you're bisexual but think you might actually be fully gay."
What if?
"I don't look at girls that way," you told me. "Except for you." your words struck a fear into me. If not for me you'd be straight? What would become of me if you decided that? I know this is fucking stupid of me, I don't doubt our love, but I couldn't help but feel scared, you know?
I'm tired of lying, I'm tired of running and dodging and hiding. What if I turned out that way? What would happen? I can't hide forever.
These days I'm just so confused and I want to pick up the pieces but I'm just that inadequate

I keep telling myself I can. But this time I really worry if I can pick myself up and keep fighting.
I'm a Taurus, we're supposed to be persistent, stubborn, whatever. But we're are also lazy and self indulgent. That's why I won't be surprised if I screw these prelims over again. What's the point of sticking it out if my method's all wrong?
I know the results on Monday will be another huge blow. I hope I can, quoting myself, "suck it up and take it like a man". I hope that I can actually do something about myself.
C'mon, huixian, there isn't any time left. Wake up. Wake up.