I guess my stubbornness does pay off sometimes. The tougher it gets, the harder I'll fight back. And now that I've got a goal, I can't afford to give up. Just because I choose a different route doesn't mean I'll be any less successful as any of you. I'll prove all of you wrong. You'll be proud of where I'll be standing ten years down the road. Just you wait and see.
Today during handball I realised I liked blocking the goalpost. I liked having something to protect. Makes me feel like I have a responsibility.
That's why I'll protect you too.
I hate nights like these when you start to doubt everything and anything.
Parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids no matter what, right? They're supposed to accept them and love them for who they are, right?
Mom, I can't say I love you right now. I'm sure the loving is still there, just that it's buried and hidden among all the negativity and confusion and angst. I'm sure I'll get it back one day. But trust is a two way thing. I can't trust you if you don't trust me. Let me go. I'm not your angelic obedient little daughter anymore. I may not have turned out the way you wanted me to, but I'M STILL YOUR DAUGHTER. I'm still here, can't you hear me, I'm still fighting, I want you to listen and understand and accept me because I'm really so fucking sorry but I can't change who I am for you.
Please, I'm begging you, stop making me hide. I'm sick and tired of lying, of this act we're putting up every day. Put aside our differences and see me for who I am. Please.
Happy mothers' day. Mom.
Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not happy enough. Not good enough.
Dreamt that I got sentenced to death. Again.
I wasn't all that concerned about dying, actually, but I was totally devastated that I would have to leave you behind. I wouldn't get to see you again.
And when I passed you in the hallway, I caught your gaze. And I broke down. Couldn't stop sobbing. Was still sobbing when I woke up.
This is how much you mean to me. Please, i'm begging you, don't leave me. I need you.
Now I know i can never pick up the courage to leave this place while you're still with me.
Dear Mum,
I'm sorry I'm not a perfect daughter. I'm sorry I don't get straight A's. I'm sorry I don't vacuum the floor for you or iron the clothes. I'm sorry I don't come home when you tell me to and lie when you ask who I'm with and where I am. I'm sorry I don't always try. I'm sorry I don't like guys and can't like guys. I'm sorry I make you sad. I'm sorry you have to take anti-depressants. I'm sorry I'm rude to you sometimes. Sorry I'm not good enough.
Worthless. Pointless. Hopeless.
There's too much to do it's swallowing me up.
I can't wait to get out of this hellhole.
