19 more days.
We wasted time, didn't we? The stupid sweets and all that. My fault, I'm sorry. It's my choice, it's up to me, I'm the fucking team leader. But I don't know what to do either, you know? I'm not like A, I can't handle this on my own, I'm not strong enough. And every single time after training, you guys come up to me and say "we did this wrong. I think we should this this this. You should tell them to this this this. What do you think blah fucking blah" I don't know, it just makes me very demoralised and disappointed in myself. I don't see how we /can/ get in. I feel so hopeless and clueless.
And, ojisama, I love you. I'm so sorry I can't make more time for you. It's not like I don't care about my studies, I really do. I don't like falling asleep in class either. I don't want to say "I did badly for my o's because of FAC." I love you, but I don't know how to show it very well. Please don't cry, it makes my heart break. I love you. Please understand that I have this responsibility and that I have a duty, and I hate sacrificing you for it. Gomen. Gomen ne. I'm sorry I'm such a failure. If we don't make this thing, I'll feel like a total failure.
Sometimes, the promise I made to you is all that keeps me going.

Oh my god I can't explain this why am I crying why am I such a failure why why can't I match up to her why don't I know what to do why am I so scared why don't I have confidence why why why why why

Every batch comes and goes. After all we've done, a couple of years down the road, will we simply be gone and forgotten? I want to be remembered, to make the change, to make everyone proud. But tbh I'm scared haha everything is a big white blank and everyone's watching me and I feel like I'm going to shrivel up and die. I'm just so scared.

I try. Is it that I don't try hard enough?

On days like this I feel totally and utterly useless as the Head of First Aid